Captain Howdy Worries Over Women Hanging Out Together

Captain Howdy must be restless.

He visited me about an hour ago. Being that Rex L. Camino has apparently been abducted by a Chupacabra and his whereabouts are unknown, all I know is that Captain Howdy met me in a little small black and white imitation Corgi form as I arrived back in the world of Hooterville. I was, needless to say, disturbed but not surprised.

Where were you last night?

Of course I pondered where this voice was coming from as I’m prone to think that Bigfoot is relevant, liberal politics does not make me a bad guy and that karaoke is only cool on ever other Thursday and that I’m darned good at it after three beers. The voices in my head I’m used to, Capt. Howdy, however, is a new one. I know he visits others but he has never visited me.

It must be because of last week’s brush with bronchitis/death by coughing and my recent one week addiction and rehab from Vicodan cough syrup. It only lasted five days, but man, I think I saw Brittney Spears eat a rum ball.

What did you do last night?

Umm … nothing. (May I add that this seemed perfectly normal to me.)

I hear you were out in the forest, near a creek, talking non-stop about things that shouldn’t be mentioned. I hear you talk a lot. And it was with, dare I say, mostly women. Women!?! Feh.

Where did you hear this? I don’t get to see these people a lot, Gee. I do talk too much but where did you hear this. It was at Campfield’s wasn’t it?

ASK NO QUESTIONS, PAGAN WENCH!!! What have you done to upset the balance of the universe? You must answer. (Jeez, Rex, Captain Howdy is really crabby.)

Well, I ate a tamale. And some cool dish with cauliflower in it. And Kate O’ ate off my plate which I thought was really kinda sexy cool.

Who was the male at this gathering?

Just a guy. I mean, he owned the place and everything. He was just a guy, Cap’n. Don’t get all freaked out on me?

Shut up, ‘Coma. I will not take your insolence. I hear you imbibed of the agave.

Well, I might have or might have not. That’s none of your business.

Did Sara Clark, Kathy T., Squirrel Queen and you talk outside as the card game was being played? What kind of card game was this?

Yes we hung out as I suck at cards. And the rest is none of your business either.

And Rachel?

I want to adopt her and keep her in my hometown where I can just go visit her randomly, Howdy. Have you seen Rachel smile, I mean, Jeez, you would want to as well and she is so wicked smart and cool and her smile could stop a freight train. But you don’t need to cage her in, Captain. She is too cool for that as is Lynnster, Malia and nm. I mean it was just amazing.

I know, ‘Coma but that’s not the point. It was reported you were at a Wiccafest 2007.

Well, Smiley says a lot of things. He’s my arch nemesis in baseball. Today, alas, was a good day for me. A lot of the things he says has to do with a lot of, umm, Smiley things. You know, his bowels, sports, STD’s and some chick named Mary Lou. I love him, but you know how that goes, he’s his own person. He’s up in the hills anyway and there might be something going on like in The Tommyknockers where he’s impaired for a bit due to an alien invasion or something … Or he might be drinking beer playing with his dog grieving over his adopted baseball team. That’s one of the reasons we get along.

I’m worried about you and Coble being in the same building, ‘Coma.

She’s much cooler than me, Captain. Well, you shouldn’t be nervous about that. You should be more nervous about Aunt B, Ivy and Coble being in the same room together. Gosh you’re picky. Coble and I both like cheese. Is this what you want??! WE BOTH LIKE CHEESE. And that’s all you’re getting you greedy little bastard.

This Mack? I’m getting reports of deviancy.

I’ve told you. Damn. He’s a coyote spirit guide. It’s his thing. He’s an animal spirit guide, I think. Yeah, that’s right. You’re confusing me. He’s like a gentle but lethal kung-fu, smart political talking coyote. Gawsh.

Where was Ginger during all of this?

She was riding a four-wheeler, for crying out loud, and holding a Pomeranian when I got there. I mean, for Pete’s Sake. She brought Taboo.

Did you play Taboo?

Well, umm … no. Ginger and I had things to do. We had to do some chatting and stuff.

I’m changing the subject. Where was Carter?

Listen, you jerk. I don’t know where the hell Carter is. It was a Saturday. We’ll hear from him Monday. He’s a paid guy, for crying out loud. He’s gotta have a life. You’re starting to really piss me off. Next thing you’re going to ask me about is the hats. Lynnster said Brittney twittered for a live update. Did I get the WKRN thing out of the way? What’s your deal.

What hats?

**sigh** Well, the college professor, nm and I had on hats. No thang. We like hats.

This is a sign.

A sign of what?!? We had on hats, I wandered around. We ate food. I drank beer. Would you knock it off?

I’m worried.

Go back to Rex. He needs you to start doing the blogging thing again. And could you stop by Huck’s because I miss him. He likes pickled okra. So do I.

That’s weird. What about the farm animals? What did you do to the farm animals?

That was later, and just shut up. I’m a grown adult. I can do what I want. GO AWAY! Go back to Rex’s or over to Nashville Knucklehead’s. I’m banishing you. I was in a car today for to damned long. I am so not in the mood.

I will leave, but I’m watching.

And so are other people but, honestly, blogger gatherings have to have their mystery. I’m going to have a beer with Squirrel Queen now and I’m sure she’ll make me watch Amazing Race because she digs it.

And so my friends, there are times that people get each other. We just get it and last night was one of those nights. Sometimes you need a night where everyone just gets that wonderful vibe from each other which bonds them together.

And that’s how it happens, but sometimes you have to pay the price from Captain Howdy, who is obviously bored and needs something to do.

And if you are wondering, it was a mystical, groovy, fun and amazing night. Thank you B and Mack.

It was, in a word, incredible.