Plan 9 From Outer Space
In just a few minutes, this will be a ongoing commentary about the wonderful and suspenseful “Plan 9 From Outer Space” by the ever fabulous Ed Wood.
I’ll be following the drama, the pain, the joy, the love and the amazing acting in this movie on this post. I will add and update as the movie, in it’s beauty, goes along. I realize this either makes you happy, or bored out of your skull.
Yeah, I own that.
I realize this is insane.
And, yeah, there will be a bottle of wine along for the ride (for me) as well as the intervention of Squirrel Queen, who will also be watching football from the other room.
Enjoy, be joyful, be sad… This is bound to be somewhat sad yet oddly … incredible or … sad.
We have, for your viewing enjoyment: A bottle of Yellow Tail Merlot, four yapping dogs and a special grand-prize which is : Breathing actual oxygen for the next hour and a half.
Everyone WINS!
We are cool that way.
Be back for opening credits in six minutes.
OPENING COMMENTARY: Worst movie of all time. Yeah, we knew this. But isn’t that groovy, WORST MOVIE OF ALL TIME. Bela Lugosi died during the few first days of this masterpiece. And his Chiropractor filled in. Isn’t that groovy? I’m on the edge of my seat. IT’S STARING with very dramatic music.
THE OPENING: “Let’s punish the guilty…” I love opening monologues. We have us some … zombies coming up, by golly.
Opening Scenes: Bela is crying. At a grave. “The shadows of grief crowded his very reason.” I could have written this, and by GOD, I wish I had. Lots of fake crying at the gravesite. (You realize you guys can chime in at anytime.) FIXING TO HAVE SOME UFOS AND ZOMBIES!
Pilots Setting up the Plot: (What plot? Who knows) Stunning sets! American Flight 812 is having a bad day. Dang, does Squirrel Queen have us wine? Yes she does! The gravediggers are wigged out.
FOG: We have fog people and Vampira. Wait, Bela is walking around a house. “His grief over his wife’s death … has become a tomb.” GREATEST NARRATION EVER. “Confused, the old man left his home, never to return again.” I’m sorry, heh, and heh. His dead wife was watching this sad tale. The narrator told me this. And there in lies the beauty of Plan 9. We have no idea about what the hell is going on.
THE POLICE ARE ON THE CASE: Yeah, this is fine detective work. Although, I would love the hat that Tor Johnson has on. I would look more than groovy. And, now. (sshhh, this is scary, he’s in the fog.)
THE MORGUE WAGON: Greatest dialogue ever. I’ve only heard this term on Plan 9. The wine is being poured.
The KIND FROM UP THERE, OR UP THERE: Do not thwart the voice of Jeff. He’s the hero, I think. His voice, he’s a pilot, he’s being silenced. (Ed Wood, you genius.) From John Carney in the comments: The type of flying saucer from up there — as opposed to the kind that burrows under the earth, I suppose.
(Editor’s note: This is fun.)
DIALOGUE SNIPPET: “Sounds like crazy trouble” is said as Tor is killed and totally dead. Yup, Tor, The Police Chief is dead. More dialogue from a cop and the famous gun scene “Yes, he’s messed up, he’s crazy dead.” How did trench coat guy not kill himself with that gun action?
THE FLYING SAUCERS ARE HERE AND A DRUNK FOUND THE NEWSPAPER: As it always happens. There are a lot of drunk people in this scene. FLYING SAUCERS OVER WASHINGTON. The army convoy is on the move. Man, this scene is bad, and yet quite delightful.
(Squirrel Queen: the UFO’s are careening around drunkenly. I’m shouting at her “CATCH UP AND POUR MORE WINE.)
GENERALS ARE TALKING, not much is being resolved here. My wine selection is poor. I realize this. Must find better wine. WAIT, I’M WATCHING A MOVIE. Must Blog.
SNARKY ALIENS: “The pituitary glands of the dead.” Is this a Washington cocktail party in annihilating our society. The hairdos are about the same. Snazzy satin clothes. Yeah, Washington. “Our Electrode guns…” Man, I love that.
THE UFOS ARE HERE: Jeff is trying to save his wife who says ” Go and fly your flying machine.” Jeff is figuring it out. Yeah, dumb wife just did the famous UFO’s are up there … speech. Campers, I can’t look it up for you.
GLASS OF WINE # 2.
I do deserve it, you know.
THE PILOTS ARE BACK … they don’t seem to be bright. One is named Benny. I notice there are absolutely no controls in the cockpit. BRILLIANT. The planes are run on BRAIN POWER. The flight attendant is named Edie. Benny is coming on to Edie. Yeah, sexual dynamics in an Ed Wood movie is always …. uncomfortable.
BELA IS BACK. BELA IS BACK. And, of course, he has his smashing cape on. Jeff’s wife is in bed. This can only go poorly. And it’s his chiropractor. Man, I love that.
RUNNING THROUGH A COMETARY: With a white nightgown. ROWR.
VAMPIRA AND TOR: I is afeared. The sexual tension is killing me.
A FAINT: There is always a faint in Ed Wood movies. Russ, yes, the chiropractor is in the house!
OOPS, THE COPS ARE BACK: Back-Crack Boy is back. And the cops are doing a great job as Vampira and Tor are wandering hither and tither. More Aliens with coiffed hair. I love me some coiffed hair.
COMPLAINING COPS: ‘Nuff said.
GREAT DIALOGUE: Damn women, becoming hysterical. Sheesh. The Po-Po have figured it out. IT’S UFO’S.
SORRY ABOUT THE LAPSE: The cop dialogue on investigation always makes me ponder about where Gus Grissom was, and would he have figured this out sooner. I’m thinking yes.
WELL, DAMN THE PENTAGON IS ON IT! DOOMED, DOOMED, I TELL YOU!! : The Colonel believes in them. Buzz Aldrin believes in them. Jimmy Carter believes in them. BUT THERE ARE DIRECT ORDERS. This movie, revolutionary, I’m telling you and I’m not even on Wine Glass #3.
THEY HAVE A LANGUAGE COMPUTER: Not to be confused with Babelfish. Now the aliens are just talking at us. TALKING AT US. Yeah, this is right for 2007. Ed Wood was a psychic.
THE COLONEL IS ON IT: Yeah, poor bastard.
THE RULER: He’s bitching at Tannos and Eros. Heh, they said Eros. The Ruler is taking Ero’s ship. He only made three zombies. The Ruler thinks he sucks.
I’m thinking more wine is needed, how about you guys?
ACTION:Tor tried to kill Eros. Yup, sounds like freedom and diplomacy.
THE RULER: Basically tells Eros that Earth people suck, are closed minded and that the dead will march. Yeah, we’ve heard that. But there never were as satiny dressed at they are in Plan 9. WAIT, UFO’S are flying around. The colonel is at Jeff’s. He’s kinda Rummy, don’t you think?
PRESSURE: Not hot, not cold. Just pressure. Man, the communication skills of folks in the 50’s … kinda like communication skills of folks in 2007. Yeah but they are smoking and drinking. GROOVY. AND…”Something started stinking really bad.” Great dialogue, Great!
WAIT, DRAMATIC MUSIC AND THE CHIROPRACTOR IS BACK: Sorta sad. Sorta not. And now the Bela/back cracking doctor is a skeleton. Yeah. And the first words “Whadda you make of that?” IT’S A SKELETON. Everyone is traumatized, fishstick.
Jeff’s wife has a sexy voice on her. Not.
Incidentally, I’ve had no third glass of wine. Autobiographical pause, here at Chez Coma.
GUNS SHOULDN’T BE SLUNG AROUND: A friendly reminder from your favorite Newscoma.
TOR IS A WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION: Man, he just swiped the officer without a care in the world.
EROS: Needs to calm down. Cause the earthlings ain’t that bright. Remember stupid means hardship as gunslinging guy could take anyone down in moments. I want to be trained like that.
FINALLY GOT MORE WINE!
BREAKING IT DOWN: The big dramatic showdown has started. Eros is making the cops feel like goats. He has satin on, so that makes him smarter according to Ed Wood. Tor has wifey. Eros is called a fiend. Eros says he’s a soldier of his planet. Tells coppers they came as friends. Eros says governments are idiotic. The Colonel is doing some shabby negotions. And EROS says “YOU ARE STUPID.”
Wait, Eros is making some sense here. Must go back to wine.
EROS STILL MAKING SENSE: Jeez. I have no idea what to say.
SOLARNITE: Okay, Tannos just had the crap beat out of her by Eros. He’s no longer making sense. And what is Solarnite? I ponder, yet not know. I love me some Plan 9.
Clay/Tor HAS MADE A COP TALK ALL DRUNK: No one believes him. Thus the justice of the world doesn’t listen. Alas, always a problem.
EROS: He needs a Zoloft, man. But cops want to arrest him. Yeah, like that’s gonna work. HE’S AN ALIEN. He’s got mad skillz.
TOR: Man, his guys are freaking out against him. “I can out run him.” Yup, he’s down, Jeff’s wife went down with him and Eros proves himself arrogant but says “This only happened because the electrode ray is out.” Well, that always sucks.
FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT: Americans are winning. This, of course, happens.
YOU REALIZE WE COULD START A DRINKING GAME AT THIS POINT!
Damn aliens in their burning UFO’s. ALAS, the moral of the story is that no one can talk to other folks.
“CAN YOU PROVE THIS DIDN’T HAPPEN?”
It’s over. Have a beer on me. Hope you had fun. And …
Any movie with Vampira and Tor Johnson has got to be smoking.
And I bid you, good night.
“Where’s my wine and you damn kids get off my lawn.”
I love me some strings on a spaceship. Forbidden Planet is coming on. NOW, that my friends, is amazing.
I was in charge of the campus movies for 2 1/2 years when I was in college — it’s all been downhill from there, friends — and I showed this as part of a “World’s Worst Movie” night. Admission was free, but if you left before all of the movies were over with, you had to pay to get out. We had “The Terror of Tiny Town,” an all-midget musical western, and “They Saved Hitler’s Brain,” parts of which were filmed in the 50s and parts in the 60s, so you jumped back and forth in hairstyles and fashions.
The type of flying saucer from up there — as opposed to the kind that burrows under the earth, I suppose.
‘Coma, this is brilliant. This is why blogs were invented. I just blogged about your tipsy-blogging, and I hereby surrender to your bloggy superiority in all things blog-related. And bad-movie-related.
We need to work on your wine selection, though.
What channel???
AH! Found it! Turner Movie Classics.
Fun!!!
Special effects by Industrial Lack of Magic.
Russ: I live in Hooterville. There ARE no wine selections.
Heh.
I would call this a *fair* movie … because there’s so much *exposition*.
Thank God for ‘Newscoma. I’d never have turned this on if it wasn’t for the ‘coma. This is the best movie ever…I mean…the worst movie ever. I’m loving it. Sometimes ya just gotta watch something mindless…this is perfect!
Was this ever on Mystery Science Theater 3000?
According to IMDb, Ginger, they considered it for MST3K but decided there was too much dialogue. However, you can get it on DVD with a commentary track by Mike Nelson.
LOL! Brilliant.
This is amazing.
Where’s Ron???
I’m trying but here is so much. … badness.
Is it Bela or his chiropractor?
I need to go rent “Ed Wood” again.
Which character does Bela/chiropractor play? (Sorry…a beginner on the zombie/bad movie learning curve.)
To help you follow:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plan_9_from_outer_space
According to IMDB, Lugosi’s role is simply credited as “Ghoul Man.” Tom Mason is the chiropractor who doubled for him after he died.
It should be about time for glass of wine #3.
I’m thinking your right, Russ.
Atmospheric conditions in outer space?!
“Wasn’t hot, wasn’t cold” that’s the kind of compelling dialogue you get with Plan 9
Fantastic
Why does the UFO sound like the alarm clock I used in 1986?
Best use of a cape in a movie up until the Batman movies of the 90s
Doesn’t anybody ever mow this graveyard?
They need a landscaper, stat!!!!
Ed Wood’s untimely death was the worst thing that ever happened to Hollywood.
Squirrel Queen, NO!
There are no mowers.
You need that third glass, ‘Coma. On behalf of all of us, I implore you — get that third glass going!
Tor, a man … er zombie … of stealth
Thank goodness they put that ladder on the side of the UFO
The aliens are so shiny. It’s like watching an episode of Donny and Marie from the 70s
Why does the UFO have a 90 degree angle at its corner. Watching them fly around, I could have sworn they were, oh, I don’t know, saucer shaped.
Did they use Christmas cookie cutters to make the alien’s belt?
“Your governments of earth have refused to accept our message.”
Eros is making sense. I’m a feared.
Plan 9 Hierarchy of Bad Booms:
Firecracker
Hand grenade
Bomb
Larger Bomb
Atom Bomb
H-Bomb
But you STUPID, juvenile Earthlings haven’t thought of the…the…
Solaranite?
Originally, Sally Field was supposed to have delivered the anti-war line, but the censors bleeped her.
This movie has a social message! About God, the place of women in society, and the dangers of destroying the universe through bad booms!
I am enthralled.
Ginger, my soul sister gift to you.
Naturally, if they’re impervious to bullets, your next step should be to try whopping them over the head.
IF they break one tube in that radio it’s all over.
Jeff, battling until the end
Jeff runs away from the cubic ufo
Flaming Eros!!!!
I cannot, I admit, prove that it didn’t happen.
Bwaaa HHHHHaaaa Hhhaaaa!!!
I Laugh at outer space.
God help me!!!!
‘Coma, isn’t it time for glass #4?
I wish my name was Yvette Mimeiux
Russ, yes.
I’m done.
I hope you enjoyed.
Ginger, John, SQ…
Man, it’s time for FORBIDDEN PLANET.
Ginger, you will love this one.
What an amazing experiment.
I’m Spartacus!
Wait, I’m SPARTICUS.
This was fun.
I’m Sparicus,
Wait, maybe I just want a Sartini
We need to get Russ, Ginger and John and have Alien shots.
Alientinis perhaps?
Sparticus, Spartini,
I need another glass of wine,
STAT!
I’m working on it.
Wait, my glass is empty.
I WIN!
Oh, who needs MST3k with commentary like this.
Is this going to be a regular feature? Please say yes, so I can buy a case of something bad for me, just to prepare.
Damn it, I miss all the fun!
Raincoaster, I hadn’t thought about it, but sure, why not.
Ron, Dammit, you did.
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