I have no entertaining skills when it comes to the holidays. If you want a Pabst Blue Ribbon (I’ll be having a Bass, as I’m wont to do) and some cheetos, I’m your girl.
And cheese. Yeah, I dig cheese.
Anyway, I found this list online and it made me wonder what I’m doing wrong. And, the original article is here. And it’s called Foxy Festivities so I listed their advice just for you, campers. My answers are in red.
1. Reserve the bird Reserve a turkey and schedule a pick-up, so you avoid racing around at the last minute to find the perfect one.
Okay, no. They are in the frozen turkey section at the grocery store which usually has a lot of people rooting around for 2 more ounces of rock-hard bird. Not gonna do any reserving of Tom Turkey. We usually eat chicken anyway.
2. Brush up Dust off your linens. Wash and iron them so they are table-ready.
Ironing. Next. Paper towels are your friend. Or your sleeve. Have another Pabst.
3. Dig in Dig up those Thankgiving-exclusive utensils that you’ll need, including items such as gravy boats and turkey carvers. This way you’re not scrambling on Thanksgiving day.
I have a gravy boat. Okay, I’ll get that out. I like the words “gravy boat.” Wait, it’s not my gravy boat. It’s Homer’s. I’m not allowed to touch it.
4. Lighten up Stock up on candles: tapers, along with some pillars and votives in autumnal hues to adorn your home.
I buy candles all the time. No biggie here. What is a taper? We have goats around here. Will that do? Aren’t they in the same family?
5. Order in Place an order for a centerpiece or floral arrangement. If you plan on making your own, order flowers for your local shop to set aside for you. Consider gourds and pumpkins for your table or around your home.
I will not order a flower arrangement, but that money can go to hooch and pickled okra. The table is filled with magazines I have to read. Just scoot them over if you come over. And old newspapers. I will buy a gourd, just to be Foxy Festive and classy
6. Easy freeze Prep and freeze homemade cranberry sauce ahead of time.
I’ll freeze some jello shooters. I don’t like jello shots but I had one last week and only gagged a little and then had another. That’s how it goes. I will also freeze some water. It becomes this crazy thing called ice. My parties are BYOB. I will supply some Dr. Pop, SunDrop and Shasta. What time are you coming again?
7. Make arrangements Create place cards for your guests. Purchase plain cards and address ‘em up with a rubber stamp or ribbon.
Oh, that’s funny. Really. I’m laughing.
8. Mix it up Be your own DJ by crafting a music playlist. Burn CDs or create a long holiday mix on your iPod.
No problem on this one. I hope you like Miles Davis and Johnny Cash.
9. Refresh your refreshments Load up on wine and beverages. Make sure you have ample glassware.
PARTY! Where are the Solo cups!?!!
10. Give thanks Thanksgiving should include a ritual where everyone expresses what they are thankful for. Make “Thanks” cards for all your guests to write down why they are grateful.
No problem. I will give thanks. I’m glad to be alive everyday, thankful for a great family, superfriends (not to be confused with the Wondertwins) and a moderately good life. I give thanks everyday. I’ll do it with more gusto next week. Pinkie Promise.
I’m really a better guest than I am a party thrower.
I know a good juke joint if you are interested. It just depends on what you are in the mood for.
on Nov 14th, 2007 at 4:38 pm
You are indeed a great guest.
We’ll be there for kickoff on Thursday.
on Nov 14th, 2007 at 4:39 pm
Screw Paula Deen. I’d rather go to ‘Coma’s place.
on Nov 14th, 2007 at 4:42 pm
I’m waiting on you guys. I’ll get extra Pabst.
on Nov 14th, 2007 at 4:43 pm
1. Reserve the Bird.
This tells us right away that these bitches aren’t actually cooking for Thanksgiving, they’re “entertaining”. They lost all credibility with me at this point.
Fishstick it, carve out a tiny little gourd holder for your beer-perhaps buy some pumpkin ale and take your ass to Cracker Barrel. You’ll all be a lot happier and dessert is included.
Of course, you saw my Twitter request for Turkey outsourcing options the other day, so I might be in the same “entertaining” boat.
on Nov 14th, 2007 at 8:52 pm
I like Paula Deen, but I have to say I couldn’t believe her Thanksgiving Party special. It featured “fried” everything. One of the dishes was fried stuffing on a stick. I kid you not. I could feel my arteries hardening. There was also some kind of fried cake. Guess she hasn’t heard about cholesterol and heart disease and stuff.
on Nov 14th, 2007 at 9:47 pm
‘Coma, between the hooch, the pickled okra, and the Jello shooters, I think Thanksgiving at your house would be the party of the season. I’d love to be a guest at that shindig.
I’ll bring the moonshine.
on Nov 15th, 2007 at 12:11 am
Make sure you use a Sharpie to write names on the Solo cups, so your guests won’t drink your personal Bass and will stick with the company-only PBR.
on Nov 15th, 2007 at 2:50 am
ron – you are a dmestic star – and fortunately solo cups come in festive colors
I do like johnny cash and miles davis.
on Nov 15th, 2007 at 5:26 am
I wonder if Solo Cups come in a Pumpkin sort of color. I know they come in Vols Orange as I can throw a hell of a Vols Football Game Bash.
R. Neal, I saw the stuffing on a stick. Not so sure about that one.
When are you guys going to be here?
on Nov 15th, 2007 at 8:16 am
MARRY ME, DAMMIT. We can all live comfortably at the compound. If it works so happily for the dog-breeder guy and his spouses on “Pushing Daisies” (well, except for the murdering part), we could swing it.
If I weren’t already financially and familaly (?) obligated to be elsewhere, I’d come crash y’all’s festivities. It’s easier to recover from a PBR and Cheetos binge than a turkey binge, as long as you don’t have to drive.
Big cheese-powdery smooches to each one of you in the compound, dahlink. Including the doglets.
on Nov 15th, 2007 at 8:50 am
I accept Grandfille. Cats and dogs living together, PBR, Fresca and Cheetos.
Hot damn!
on Nov 15th, 2007 at 9:42 am
sweet jeezus, your place sounds exactly like my place, except our Pabst is Natural Light and my gravy boat is an 8-ounce measuring cup.
however, i have real gourds and some decorative corn in a salad bowl on the table that the Mr. picked up for a buck after halloween
on Nov 15th, 2007 at 12:16 pm
Ina Garten the other day had a party for the people who were renovating her barn and made little cookies in the shape of hammers, writing each person’s name on a cookie. I usally like Ina’s cooking and just ignore the other aspects of the show, but on this episode she must have repeated eight or nine different times the point that the cookie served as both a name card and dessert. She told us, the viewer; she told her friends on the episode; she told us, the viewer, again. It got kind of annoying after a while.
on Nov 15th, 2007 at 3:28 pm
I am so there.
on Nov 18th, 2007 at 8:32 pm
You made my whole house pee a little from laughing, even the dogs. This reminds me of the Christmas Open House I had in a one bdrm apt when 65 people showed up. My family is country… they don’t understand open house/come & leave/don’t stay the entire 4 hours. My dad was eating his 4th plate of food while sitting on the cooler in the corner of the kitchen. But he really liked Grampa’s Eggnog Recipe… just like the Baldwin Sisters’ but with that KY Bourbon kick to it! Happy Holidays!