News Story Of The Day: Penis Theft

I’m not lying.

I also did not know this was a problem.

Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men’s penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.

Reports of so-called penis snatching are not uncommon in West Africa, where belief in traditional religions and witchcraft remains widespread, and where ritual killings to obtain blood or body parts still occur.

Rumors of penis theft began circulating last week in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo‘s sprawling capital of some 8 million inhabitants. They quickly dominated radio call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings.

Purported victims, 14 of whom were also detained by police, claimed that sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear, in what some residents said was an attempt to extort cash with the promise of a cure.

Well, what does one actually say about a story like this? I’m not sure.

Of course, not to be confused with this kind of theft.

Just saying.

0 comments for “News Story Of The Day: Penis Theft

  1. April 24, 2008 at 8:53 am

    Well that’s a novel excuse for einy teeny weiney syndrome. “Really honey, it used to be much bigger until some witch doctor put a hex on it.

  2. April 24, 2008 at 9:01 am

    So THAT’s what happened to the rest of it…


  3. Ron
    April 24, 2008 at 9:09 am

    Witch doctors are big fans of the shrunken head; they’re just not too particular about which head they shrink.

  4. April 24, 2008 at 9:42 am

    I have emails I can forward if they’ll publish their addresses….

  5. April 24, 2008 at 10:45 am

    Well, that cancels MY trip to the Congo, that’s for damn sure…

  6. April 24, 2008 at 11:08 am

    Yeah…. that’s the ticket!

  7. April 24, 2008 at 12:11 pm
  8. April 24, 2008 at 1:16 pm

    I thought it was kind of a given that once a man says, “I Do”, that particular piece of their anatomy has been forever stolen…

  9. April 24, 2008 at 1:16 pm

    @Captainkona – “You’re next!!!! YOU’RE NEXT!!!!”

  10. Ron
    April 24, 2008 at 1:38 pm

    @Barry – No, you’re thinking of his balls.

  11. April 24, 2008 at 2:17 pm

    They say that any science sufficiently advanced is indistinguishable from magic. Maybe there is a perfectly rational (and extremely advanced) reason for penis theft, that we stuck here in the 21st century simply cannot divine. Some kind of Star Trek IV thing where Capt. Kirk and friends have to come back in time to get them, to save the future.

    Which is not to say I won’t fight like mad if they come for mine, and that I won’t panic if it starts in Athens, Tennessee. Yeah, that’s a panic offense, I think. I’ll probably hole up with my back in a corner and a slew of guns just in case. Just until it blows over.

  12. captainkona
    April 24, 2008 at 4:39 pm

    @Captainkona – “You’re next!!!! YOU’RE NEXT!!!!”

    When they come for Otis, they’d better bring a lot of help…

  13. captainkona
    April 24, 2008 at 4:39 pm

    @Captainkona – “You’re next!!!! YOU’RE NEXT!!!!”

    When they come for Otis, they’d better bring a lot of help…

  14. April 25, 2008 at 4:44 am

    Open letter to sorcerers.

    Will trade you my car in return for you visiting my ex husband.

    Thanks in advance for your time.

    Not bitter that cheating husband left me for a home wrecking whore.

    PS. May I get a two for one?