Red State Update CD Giveaway
For the first time ever, I’m having a giveaway from our fine friends from Red State Update, who have kindly given me two CDs to offer to the campers who read this blog.
It’s our buddies Jackie Broyles and Dunlap who have kindly given me the honor of my very first giveaway.
I tried to figure out the best way for the giveaway, so what I decided is the top two people who leave comments here by telling the best joke will win the CD. My friend, Dirk Diggler has agreed as a non-blogger to pick the top two and those will be the winners.
Saucy language is fine but nothing disgusting. (No Aristocrats style jokes please.) Also, I won’t be picking the winner, so whoever DD picks will win.
The contest will last until the evening of September 20 and Dirk will pick the two funniest jokes.
Enter as many times as you want.
Those will be your winners and I’ll send the victorious bloggers’ jokes to the Red State Update boys.
Have at it.
Two cannibals find a new victim for dinner. The one says, “You start at that end and I’ll start on this end.”
About ten minutes into their meal, the one looks up and asks, “How you doing?”
The other looks up and proclaims, “I’m having a ball!”
“Slow down! You’re eating too fast!”
Yay!! That’s hysterical. I love it.
Two strings walk into a bar. Yes, I said two strings.
They sit down at a table and wait and wait for someone to take their order but no one comes. Finally one of the strings goes over to the bar and gets the bartenders attention. “Two beers for me and my friend,” says the string proudly. The bartender grumps and point to a sign above his head, “Can’t you read?” The signs says, “We Don’t Serve Strings Here”.
The string is disappointed and goes back to the table. After discussing it with his friend for a moment, he resolves to give it another try. He marches back to the bar, slams his string fist on the wood and demands two beers for he and his friend. The bartender says, “Hey, aren’t you a string?? Look at the sign!!,” points to the sign again, and walks away.
Terribly dejected and despondent, the string walks back and sits down with his friend. He suggests they leave, when the second strings says, “Wait a second – let me give it a try.”
The friend stands up, reaches to the top of himself and just pulls out all the little strings on his top so now there’s just a big, fuzzy, frayed mess up there. Then he twists…and turns…and twists…and turns…until he’s all tangled up in himself. He winks at the first string, turns and sort of shuffles over to the bar.
The friends says loudly, “Hey bartender, two beers for me and my friend!!”
The bartender peers closely at the twisted up figure with fuzzy top there in front of him. “Hey, I thought I told you guys WE DON’T SERVE STRINGS HERE!!! Tell me once and for all, are you a string?”
“Nope, I’m A Frayed Knot…”
There was this cat who loved to get drunk, who went to the bar on the other side of the tracks.
He stayed all night long and got so wasted he could barely stand up, much less walk.
The cat starts to stumble home, and when he came to the train tracks, he didn’t notice a train coming down the tracks.
As he started to cross the tracks, the train zoomed by, and cut off his tail. The cat turned his head to see the damage, got his head stuck into the side of a speeding box car, and is instantly decapitated.
The moral of the story… don’t lose your head over a piece of tail!
Are you sure no Aristocrats jokes? Because I know the only one that was deemed too disgusting for the movie. It goes like this:
“So, yeah, I have this act I’m trying to get booked. It’s a family act, usually, though you can also do a bunch of guys from Harvard or just old family friends. And some accountants. And some attorneys. Anyway, these guys start a bank, use their attorneys to get them deregulated, and then, when they’re about to fail, because of the mortgage crisis, they buy up a bunch of fuel, hedging their bets that it’ll never drop below $100 a barrel again. But it does. And their business starts to tank. And threaten to take the world economy with it. So, they get rescued by the feds. And they go on to live happily ever after while everyone else in the country suffers.”
“Oh my god. That’s vile. Tell me what it’s called so I can be sure to never see it.”
“The Aristocrats!”
Aunt B., That was brilliant!
Incidentally, Christina meet B., B., meet Christina. I think you guys just might dig each other.
What did the snail say when he took a ride on the turtle’s back?
wheeeeeeeeeeeee
sorry, couldn’t resist
Christinajade–that’s my dad’s joke! Except he had a monkey instead of a cat and used it as a sexual responsibility and morality tale/tail when we were teenagers.
His updated version–”Don’t lose your head over a piece of tail. Divorce is expensive.” heh
[...] I came up with the most brilliant Aristocrats joke over at Newscoma’s. I tickle [...]
Once there was a closeted gay man who lived in East Texas. He was doing some business in New York, and mentioned to a business associate that he was still hiding his sexual identity back home in the Lone Star State.
“Don’t you think it’s time you came out of the closet?” the New Yorker asked.
“I can’t,” said the gay Texan. “Then everybody would know I was a Democrat.”
Saraclark, along those lines, from my dad (may originally be from a movie or some such): “Love comes and goes, but herpes lasts forever.”
I cannot resist- this is my favorite joke of all time.
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. He wanders around the bar, talking to various tables and then comes back and orders another beer. While he’s waiting for the bartender, he says, “Hey bartender, I’m a betting man. And I’d love to make you a bet. I bet you $1000 that I can bite my eye.”
The bartender, being a betting man himself, takes him up on the bet. And the man pulls out his glass eye and bites it. The bartender’s mad, but pays out, and the guy goes back to wandering around the bar, talking to people.
Some minutes later, he comes back and orders another beer. “Now, bartender,” he said, “I know that wasn’t very fair, so I’ll make you another bet, double or nothing. I bet you that I can bite my other eye.”
The bartender thinks about it for a minute. The guy’s walking around without a cane or anything, so surely he didn’t have two glass eyes. “Okay, I’ll take you up on that bet,” he said.
The man takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye. Now the bartender’s really mad. He pays out and resolves not to bet with this guy again.
The guy resumes talking to people in the bar, but comes back again soon. “Look, bartender,” he said, “I know I’ve been hitting you with some trick bets, so this one, there’s no trick to it at all, I promise. I’ve been hitting the beer pretty hard and I have to pee. I bet you $5000 that you can slide a shot glass down the bar and I’ll pee into it and won’t spill a single drop.”
“Oh, what the hell,” says the bartender, “I’ve lost enough money already, and I’d like to see a guy who can do this. You’re on.”
So the bartender slides the shot glass down the bar and the guy just pees all over the bar. It’s everywhere. The bartender jumped up and down, shouting, “WHOO HOO! I WIN! I KNEW YOU COULDN’T DO IT!!”
The guy pays out, and the bartender calms down a bit and asks him, “Now, you knew you couldn’t get all that pee in a shotglass. Why’d you do it?”
The guy says, “See those 4 guys at that table over there? I bet them each $5000 that I could pee all over your bar and you’d be happy about it.”
Ivy’s joke rules! I love it.
There are these two drunks in a bar at the top of a high rise in Manhattan. he first drunk looks at the second and asks, “You know why they put these buildings so close together ?
The second drunk says, “No, Why?
“It’s the updrafts. They’re a safety feature. If you fall out of the window, the updraft will catch you, pick you right back up and return you to where you fell from unharmed.”
Second drunk: “NO WAY!”
“Yep. Why, I’ll bet you $50 on it. Here.”
So the first drunk sets a $50 on the bar and the second drunk adds $50 as well. The first drunk goes over, opens the window and jumps out. Down and down he goes, past the 50th floor, the 40th, 30, 20, and then an amazzing thing happens, he starts slowing down and, next thing you know, he’s coming back up until he is able to reach out, grab the window sill and swing his feet over and back into the bar.
He goes back over to his stool and the second drunk says “Wow! I’ve got to try that!” So over he goes, opens the window and then he’s gone. The first drunk saunters over and watches him sail past 50, then 40, 30, 20, 10 and finally, way below, there’s this splat as the second drunk hits the pavement.
The first drunk walks back to the bar picks up the money and says “Bartender, give me another one.”
The bartender says, ” NO WAY! You’re a bastard when you’re drunk, Superman.”
There’s a rabbi and a priest who are good friends. The church and the synagogue are right across the street from each other, so the two of them decide to buy a car together and share it. A few days later, the rabbi looks out the window and notices the priest sprinkling water all over the car. The car wasn’t dirty, so the rabbi goes outside and asks what the priest is doing.
“I’m blessing our new purchase,” says the priest.
The rabbi replies, “Oh, if we’re doing that…”, then goes back into the synagogue, comes out with a hacksaw, and cuts two inches off the tailpipe.
Horribly tacky, but here goes anyway (keep in mind that we portray Willy as very drunk and Scottish with a heavy accent):
Drunk Willy was walking along the beach when he heard crying over the next sand dune. As he got closer to the racket, he saw a young woman with no arms and no legs sitting in the sand, bawling her eyes out.
With little patience, he walked up to her and shouted, “Bitch, what’s your problem?!”
She wailed, “I have no arms and no legs and I’ve never been kissed!”
Drunk Willy stepped back and thought for a moment, then walked over, picked the girl up, and gave her a fat wet kiss on the mouth. He set her back down, pleased with himself until she started bawling again, louder than ever. Drunk Willy, irritated now, and demanded, “Bitch, WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM?”
She wailed, “I have no arms and no legs and I’ve never been fucked!”
Drunk Willy stepped back and thought for a moment, then walked over, picked the girl up, heaved her into the ocean and shouted, “Well bitch, you’re fucked now!”
A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees.
The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, “Give it a shot father”. After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says “Whoa, what a big son-of-a-bitch!”
The Priest says, “Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?” The Fisherman responds (THINKING QUICKLY), “I’m sorry Father, but that’s what this fish is called – a son-of-a-bitch!”
“Oh, I’m sorry”, replied the Priest. “I didn’t know.” After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the Bishop. “Eminence, look at this big son-of-a-bitch!”
“Please Father”, said the Bishop. “Mind your language, this is a house of God.”
“No, you don’t understand”, said the Priest. “That’s what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this son-of-a-bitch!”
“Hmmm”, said the Bishop. “You know, I could clean this son-of-a-bitch and we could have it for dinner.” So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent. “Mother Superior could you cook this son-of-a-bitch for dinner tonight?”
“My lord, what language!”, said the Mother Superior.
“No, Sister”, said the Bishop. “That’s what the fish is called – a son-of-a-bitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we’d like you to cook it.”
“Hmmm”, replied Mother Superior. “Yes, I’ll cook that son-of-a-bitch tonight.” Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it. “I caught the son-of-a-bitch!”, said the Priest.
“And I cleaned the son-of-a-bitch!”, said the Bishop.
“And I cooked the son-of-a-bitch!”, said the Mother Superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, “You know, you fuckers are alright”.
Here’s a groaner for ya:
Once upon a time, a horse named Charlie lived happily on a farm. One day, Charlie developed a slight problem, when two birds came along and built a nest in Charlie’s mane. Irritated, Charlie shook his head from side to side until the nest fell out of his mane. The next day, the two birds returned and rebuilt their nest. Just like the day before, Charlie shook his head from side to side until the nest fell to the ground. On the third day, the birds returned, built their nest in Charlie’s mane again, and for the third time, he shook them off.
Later that day, Charlie approached the Wise Old Owl and said, “Wise Old Owl, I need some advice. These two birds come along every day and build a nest in my mane. I shake it loose, and they go away, but they always come back the next day and rebuild it. What should I do?”
The Wise Old Owl thought on this for a moment, then replied, “Put yeast in your mane. That should do the trick.”
Charlie was puzzled by the advice, but he did as the Wise Old Owl instructed. Sure enough, the birds never came back, and Charlie never had to shake another nest out of his hair.
The moral of the story is: Yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
nice to meet ya, B! thanks for the intro ‘coma…
and you thought you weren’t getting enough jokes…
mayfly my patootie!!
Bubba invites his urban dwelling lawyer to go fishing with him and asks only that he bring along some of his best cigars. The lawyer is happy to oblige and shows up at the boat dock with a handful of Cuban smokes. Once in the water, he lights up only to notice that there isn’t a fishing pole, bait bucket, or anything resembling fishing gear in the boat. The only thing bubba has with him is a baseball bat. Curious about Bubba’s intentions he asks, “How are we going to catch fish with nothing but a baseball bat?”. Bubba responds with a grin, “It’s simple. You just flip that cigar you’re smoking into the water. A big ole bass will grab that sucker and take it under. When he comes up to blow out the smoke, you pop him in the head with the bat!”
[...] Also, I need your funnies for the Red State Update giveaway, so be sure to bring on the hilarity. [...]
Subject: Marriage
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
‘When you finish cutting the grass,’ I said, ‘you might as well sweep the driveway.’
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Tom and his wife Alice went to the state fair every year, and every year Tom would say, ‘Alice,I’d like to ride in that helicopter.’
Alice always replied, ‘I know Tom, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars’
One year Alice and Tom went to the fair, and Tom said, ‘Alice, I’m 73 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.’
To this, Alice replied, ‘Tom that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’
The pilot overheard the couple and said, ‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you! But if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.’
Tom and Alice agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot tur ned to Tom and said, ‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!’
Tom replied, ‘Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Alice fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!’
Burial at sea.
Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all Stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles says, ‘Do you think we’re out far enough, Barbie?’
Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, “nope, not yet Bubbles”. So they row a little farther….
Again Bubbles asks Barbie, ‘Do you think were out far enough now?
Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, “No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest. ”
So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really Getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface gasping for breath.
‘Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?’
“Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel.”
Q. What should you do if you get an e-mail with the subject
“Nude pictures of Sarah Palin”?
A. Whatever you do, don’t open it! It could contain a computer virus!
Q. What should you do if you get an e-mail with the subject
“Nude pictures of Hillary Clinton”?
A. Whatever you do, don’t open it! It could contain nude pictures of
Hillary Clinton!
A squirrel walks into a bar and says “Alcohol makes all the jokes funnier.”
If Cybill Shepherd married and divorced the following men:
Paul Simon
Zubin Mehta
I.M. Pei
Thomas Mann
Jeff Gordon
Henry VIII
Klinger from “M*A*S*H”
She would be Cybill Simon Mehta Pei Mann Gordon Tudor Farr.
So a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his
crotch.
The bartender asks, “Did you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of
your crotch?”
The pirate responds ” Arrr. It¹s drivin’ me nuts”
(This one and the last one I submitted came from a mailing list run by my online acquaintance Eric Seiden)
[...] Diggler has picked his winners from the Red State Update Great Joke-Off. I gave him a hard copy of the jokes and he delivered me the winners last [...]