The bartender asks, “Did you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of
your crotch?”

The pirate responds ” Arrr. It¹s drivin’ me nuts”

(This one and the last one I submitted came from a mailing list run by my online acquaintance Eric Seiden)

Paul Simon
Zubin Mehta
I.M. Pei
Thomas Mann
Jeff Gordon
Henry VIII
Klinger from “M*A*S*H”

She would be Cybill Simon Mehta Pei Mann Gordon Tudor Farr.

A. Whatever you do, don’t open it! It could contain a computer virus!

Q. What should you do if you get an e-mail with the subject
“Nude pictures of Hillary Clinton”?

A. Whatever you do, don’t open it! It could contain nude pictures of
Hillary Clinton!

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all Stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles says, ‘Do you think we’re out far enough, Barbie?’

Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, “nope, not yet Bubbles”. So they row a little farther….

Again Bubbles asks Barbie, ‘Do you think were out far enough now?

Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, “No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest. ”

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really Getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface gasping for breath.

‘Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?’

“Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel.”

Alice always replied, ‘I know Tom, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars’

One year Alice and Tom went to the fair, and Tom said, ‘Alice, I’m 73 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.’

To this, Alice replied, ‘Tom that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’

The pilot overheard the couple and said, ‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you! But if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.’

Tom and Alice agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot tur ned to Tom and said, ‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!’

Tom replied, ‘Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Alice fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!’

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

‘When you finish cutting the grass,’ I said, ‘you might as well sweep the driveway.’

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

and you thought you weren’t getting enough jokes…

mayfly my patootie!!

Once upon a time, a horse named Charlie lived happily on a farm. One day, Charlie developed a slight problem, when two birds came along and built a nest in Charlie’s mane. Irritated, Charlie shook his head from side to side until the nest fell out of his mane. The next day, the two birds returned and rebuilt their nest. Just like the day before, Charlie shook his head from side to side until the nest fell to the ground. On the third day, the birds returned, built their nest in Charlie’s mane again, and for the third time, he shook them off.

Later that day, Charlie approached the Wise Old Owl and said, “Wise Old Owl, I need some advice. These two birds come along every day and build a nest in my mane. I shake it loose, and they go away, but they always come back the next day and rebuild it. What should I do?”

The Wise Old Owl thought on this for a moment, then replied, “Put yeast in your mane. That should do the trick.”

Charlie was puzzled by the advice, but he did as the Wise Old Owl instructed. Sure enough, the birds never came back, and Charlie never had to shake another nest out of his hair.

The moral of the story is: Yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.