Newscoma

I went outside a few minutes ago, waiting on the word from one of our co-workers. Her father-in-law is very ill and we all know he won’t make it. She left quickly, the machines have been shut off.

It’s just a matter of time. He’s an older man and has seen more hospitals in recent months, as has his family, then anyone needs to see.

My thoughts are with them. Impending loss is always a difficult thing, because the outcome is known but the journey is still a mystery.

There is a small bench in front of the building where I work. As I sat there, I felt an overwhelming rush of sadness pour over me. I didn’t know if I could keep my emotions contained inside of me. I am full, and at times, it brims so high that it is hard not to just explode. To go on one of the backroads of Hoots and let the feelings just fly where no one can see or hear it.

It’s Mother’s Day this weekend. Year 11 without a day to celebrate. I’m older now, only ten years younger than my mother when she died. Time are different. I wonder how she would see this world a decade after her passing. I’m sure she would be amazed and pleased by much of it, and appalled by other things.

My oldest dog, Kirby, has made it longer than I thought but she is ailing. She won’t be long with us, but she’s a tough independent cuss. We got her one day before my oldest niece was born. She’s 13, a very long life for a miniature schnauzer.

She’s dying. I know this and, quite frankly, you can fight many things but this is not something I can stop. it’s inevitable.

I searched for her last night in the house, calling her name when she didn’t respond. She was hidden in a place I couldn’t reach and ultimately Mabel led me to her. She is having trouble with going to the bathroom and eating has become difficult. I tried to hold her last night, but she wanted no part of it. She laid down on her dog bed and went quietly to sleep.

I’m bruised today. Not literally, but in the sense of not knowing my own journey but realizing the impending loss of more than my dog, of my co-worker’s father-in-law, of my lost mother. My mind is not on politics or pop culture today. My mind has wandered, my body full, my soul pained by not having the answers.

The weight is heavy because I don’t know what to do this time.

I don’t have the answers.

I was told by my friend The Coroner about fifteen years ago that I blocked my feelings like a man and that’s what strengthened our friendship. I have no idea why those words stayed with me, but they have. I don’t necessarily agree. I just funnel the black in my system out like letting the air out of a balloon, but it’s caught up with me today. I’m only human. These things happen.

I’m also a true believer that feelings pass. They can change on a dime. I have learned that nearly 44 years on this planet.

This too shall pass.

There is loss in the air. I feel it and it will be o.k. but this path is a rocky one.