Lessons

At twenty we worry about what others think of us; at forty we don’t care about what others think of us; at sixty we discover they haven’t been thinking about us at all. ~~ Anonymous

Being 40 is not the burden that some people might think. I earned every gray hair, every day I’ve lived has been one that got me closer to this very moment and, although Vibinc and The Engineer tease me, I tell people I’m 64-years-old and look fabulous. I used to say I was 69, but Vibinc had to remind me, as I’m dim sometimes, that there were HUGE sexual innuendos with that one. I’m more comfortable in my own skin than I was in the past. I also realize that I’m in control of my willingness level, but that I also don’t have power over things that I used to try to force.

I have learned to choose my battles. I have also been schooled that not all battles will end with a victory for me.

I understand better now what my mother used to say which was “It’s none of your business what other people think about you.” She never made it to 60 yet she knew things other people didn’t know. I have learned that grief will heal you but doesn’t erase memories, that you can’t control other people’s thoughts and the best thing you can do is be an example. If other people don’t think you are an example, that’s fine too.

I am more self-deprecating than I was 20 years ago, I tend to not care what other people think, but when they are rude or hateful, it still cuts me to the bone.  I long ago quit believing in Knights on White steeds saving the day. I realize that certain things, insignificant to some, are the things that freak me out and there are other things that I can handle quite swimmingly. I worry about the future, not for myself so much, but for those of the nieces.

I have realized that there is much to gain from those younger than me. It has also come to my attention that our differences are not the things that separate us as much as I thought ten years ago. I try not to complain, yet I am human.

I know that there is much to learn. I wish to be taught. I wish to find balance.

And, although I will never see 40 again, I am fine with today. I have to remind myself of that at times. We are gifts, you know, to give and to receive.

Alright, that’s all.