I’ve been thinking about things that lead to gateway sexual activity. I think there are some things the Governor, who signed the bill yesterday and made national news again, hasn’t considered which will lead kids into a life of sexual confusion and guilt but complete and undeniable abstinence.
WE MUST PROTECT THE CHILDREN FROM THEMSELVES!
- Cats. Cats are definitely a problem. Some people call them pussycats including Tweety Bird. This is something that can really be a problem even though Tweety’s speech impediment actually called them puddycats, which also could be an issue. So I guess Tweety Bird and Sylvester are a no-go for kids because of not only the word but also because Sylvester always tries to eat Tweety Bird, so there is an additional factor of violence which could lead to BDSM and gateway activity leading into an undeniable need to read 50 Shades of Grey. If a stray cat shows up at a school, there could be problems. I guess all Warner Brothers cartoons are out of the picture as Bugs also occasionally wears a dress.
- Frogs. Almost everyone I know has had to dissect a frog. I am an old codgerbutt but I remember distinctly cutting up a frog in 8th grade. This, of course, is now completely something that children must not do as it leads to gateway sexual activity as we can see the reproductive organs of an amphibian. It’s important to remember that seeing frog guts might be a no-no because it can only lead to sex. This could also tie into evolution although I haven’t quite figured that one out yet.
- Batons. Majorettes must be banned. There really isn’t any choice as they hold the hard steel of their batons, throwing them vicariously into the air, twirling them with wild abandon. The dance moves they perform as they march down streets in small town parades during festival season are just a pathway to illicit behavior like eye contact.
- Barbie and Ken dolls. Although Barbie does not have a vagina and Ken does not have a penis, the biggest problem with these Mattel toys is that everyone I know has always taken their clothes off and those little outfits are hard as hell to get back on. This one is a given. They must be banned from all schools. Gov. Haslam and the GOP Street band need to introduce legislation to just get them out of Wal-Mart immediately. It’s for the good of the children. Cabbage Patch dolls are acceptable.
- Capri Sun. You must take the sharp end of the straw and penetrate the small bag of non-tasty juice then you must extract the juice from the bag with your mouth. This cannot happen in our schools. Straws of any kind must be outlawed. By golly, this aggression will not stand as it is a sure fire indicator of gateway sexual activity. I think we should just eliminate eating and drinking in schools all together. It’s just too dangerous for students who might take the path to Gateway Sexual Activity.
- The English Language. We shouldn’t speak at all. Words and conversations lead to tingly feelings that could potentially lead to the subtle touching of hands. All Latin based romance languages also have to go as does the romantic lilt of French which will lead everyone down a slippery slope. Sign language, oh HELL NO, because that means kids are using their hands, which should also be eliminated. German is okay.
- Taylor Swift songs. While in middle school, young girls that listen to Swift’s songs about the possibility of young love will most likely go rogue. A teen in her earlier years will become brainwashed that romance is perfect and will begin looking under coy, hooded eyes at boys, blinking in that way that only young girls know how to do. This will lead to boys and girls smiling at each other and that just won’t do. This is also unacceptable. The best thing to do is just blindfold all kids and issue ear plugs. I realize you will need a fiscal note attached to this bill next year, but remember you are doing it for the children.
I hope that Gov. Bill Haslam and the GOP Street Band are grateful because Stephen Colbert is taking a two-week vacation which started Thursday.