Newscoma

In just a few minutes, this will be a ongoing commentary about the wonderful and suspenseful “Plan 9 From Outer Space” by the ever fabulous Ed Wood.

 

I’ll be following the drama, the pain, the joy, the love and the amazing acting in this movie on this post. I will add and update as the movie, in it’s beauty, goes along. I realize this either makes you happy, or bored out of your skull.

Yeah, I own that.

I realize this is insane.

And, yeah, there will be a bottle of wine along for the ride (for me) as well as the intervention of Squirrel Queen, who will also be watching football from the other room.

Enjoy, be joyful, be sad… This is bound to be somewhat sad yet oddly … incredible or … sad.

We have, for your viewing enjoyment: A bottle of Yellow Tail Merlot, four yapping dogs and a special grand-prize which is : Breathing actual oxygen for the next hour and a half.

Everyone WINS!

We are cool that way.

Be back for opening credits in six minutes.

OPENING COMMENTARY: Worst movie of all time. Yeah, we knew this. But isn’t that groovy, WORST MOVIE OF ALL TIME. Bela Lugosi died during the few first days of this masterpiece. And his Chiropractor filled in. Isn’t that groovy? I’m on the edge of my seat. IT’S STARING with very dramatic music.

THE OPENING: “Let’s punish the guilty…” I love opening monologues. We have us some … zombies coming up, by golly.

Opening Scenes: Bela is crying. At a grave. “The shadows of grief crowded his very reason.” I could have written this, and by GOD, I wish I had. Lots of fake crying at the gravesite. (You realize you guys can chime in at anytime.) FIXING TO HAVE SOME UFOS AND ZOMBIES!

Pilots Setting up the Plot: (What plot? Who knows) Stunning sets! American Flight 812 is having a bad day. Dang, does Squirrel Queen have us wine? Yes she does! The gravediggers are wigged out.

FOG: We have fog people and Vampira. Wait, Bela is walking around a house. “His grief over his wife’s death … has become a tomb.” GREATEST NARRATION EVER. “Confused, the old man left his home, never to return again.” I’m sorry, heh, and heh. His dead wife was watching this sad tale. The narrator told me this. And there in lies the beauty of Plan 9. We have no idea about what the hell is going on.

THE POLICE ARE ON THE CASE: Yeah, this is fine detective work. Although, I would love the hat that Tor Johnson has on. I would look more than groovy. And, now. (sshhh, this is scary, he’s in the fog.)

THE MORGUE WAGON: Greatest dialogue ever. I’ve only heard this term on Plan 9. The wine is being poured.

The KIND FROM UP THERE, OR UP THERE: Do not thwart the voice of Jeff. He’s the hero, I think. His voice, he’s a pilot, he’s being silenced. (Ed Wood, you genius.) From John Carney in the comments: The type of flying saucer from up there — as opposed to the kind that burrows under the earth, I suppose.

(Editor’s note: This is fun.)

DIALOGUE SNIPPET: “Sounds like crazy trouble” is said as Tor is killed and totally dead. Yup, Tor, The Police Chief is dead. More dialogue from a cop and the famous gun scene “Yes, he’s messed up, he’s crazy dead.” How did trench coat guy not kill himself with that gun action?

THE FLYING SAUCERS ARE HERE AND A DRUNK FOUND THE NEWSPAPER: As it always happens. There are a lot of drunk people in this scene. FLYING SAUCERS OVER WASHINGTON. The army convoy is on the move. Man, this scene is bad, and yet quite delightful.

(Squirrel Queen: the UFO’s are careening around drunkenly. I’m shouting at her “CATCH UP AND POUR MORE WINE.)

GENERALS ARE TALKING, not much is being resolved here. My wine selection is poor. I realize this. Must find better wine. WAIT, I’M WATCHING A MOVIE. Must Blog.

SNARKY ALIENS: “The pituitary glands of the dead.” Is this a Washington cocktail party in annihilating our society. The hairdos are about the same. Snazzy satin clothes. Yeah, Washington. “Our Electrode guns…” Man, I love that.

THE UFOS ARE HERE: Jeff is trying to save his wife who says ” Go and fly your flying machine.” Jeff is figuring it out. Yeah, dumb wife just did the famous UFO’s are up there … speech. Campers, I can’t look it up for you.

GLASS OF WINE # 2.

I do deserve it, you know.

THE PILOTS ARE BACK … they don’t seem to be bright. One is named Benny. I notice there are absolutely no controls in the cockpit. BRILLIANT. The planes are run on BRAIN POWER. The flight attendant is named Edie. Benny is coming on to Edie. Yeah, sexual dynamics in an Ed Wood movie is always …. uncomfortable.

BELA IS BACK. BELA IS BACK. And, of course, he has his smashing cape on. Jeff’s wife is in bed. This can only go poorly. And it’s his chiropractor. Man, I love that.

RUNNING THROUGH A COMETARY: With a white nightgown. ROWR.

VAMPIRA AND TOR: I is afeared. The sexual tension is killing me.

A FAINT: There is always a faint in Ed Wood movies. Russ, yes, the chiropractor is in the house!

OOPS, THE COPS ARE BACK: Back-Crack Boy is back. And the cops are doing a great job as Vampira and Tor are wandering hither and tither. More Aliens with coiffed hair. I love me some coiffed hair.

COMPLAINING COPS: ‘Nuff said.

GREAT DIALOGUE: Damn women, becoming hysterical. Sheesh. The Po-Po have figured it out. IT’S UFO’S.

SORRY ABOUT THE LAPSE: The cop dialogue on investigation always makes me ponder about where Gus Grissom was, and would he have figured this out sooner. I’m thinking yes.

WELL, DAMN THE PENTAGON IS ON IT! DOOMED, DOOMED, I TELL YOU!! : The Colonel believes in them. Buzz Aldrin believes in them. Jimmy Carter believes in them. BUT THERE ARE DIRECT ORDERS. This movie, revolutionary, I’m telling you and I’m not even on Wine Glass #3.

THEY HAVE A LANGUAGE COMPUTER: Not to be confused with Babelfish. Now the aliens are just talking at us. TALKING AT US. Yeah, this is right for 2007. Ed Wood was a psychic.

THE COLONEL IS ON IT: Yeah, poor bastard.

THE RULER: He’s bitching at Tannos and Eros. Heh, they said Eros. The Ruler is taking Ero’s ship. He only made three zombies. The Ruler thinks he sucks.

I’m thinking more wine is needed, how about you guys?

ACTION:Tor tried to kill Eros. Yup, sounds like freedom and diplomacy.

THE RULER: Basically tells Eros that Earth people suck, are closed minded and that the dead will march. Yeah, we’ve heard that. But there never were as satiny dressed at they are in Plan 9. WAIT, UFO’S are flying around. The colonel is at Jeff’s. He’s kinda Rummy, don’t you think?

PRESSURE: Not hot, not cold. Just pressure. Man, the communication skills of folks in the 50’s … kinda like communication skills of folks in 2007. Yeah but they are smoking and drinking. GROOVY. AND…”Something started stinking really bad.” Great dialogue, Great!

WAIT, DRAMATIC MUSIC AND THE CHIROPRACTOR IS BACK: Sorta sad. Sorta not. And now the Bela/back cracking doctor is a skeleton. Yeah. And the first words “Whadda you make of that?” IT’S A SKELETON. Everyone is traumatized, fishstick.

Jeff’s wife has a sexy voice on her. Not.

Incidentally, I’ve had no third glass of wine. Autobiographical pause, here at Chez Coma.

GUNS SHOULDN’T BE SLUNG AROUND: A friendly reminder from your favorite Newscoma.

TOR IS A WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION: Man, he just swiped the officer without a care in the world.

EROS: Needs to calm down. Cause the earthlings ain’t that bright. Remember stupid means hardship as gunslinging guy could take anyone down in moments. I want to be trained like that.

FINALLY GOT MORE WINE!

BREAKING IT DOWN: The big dramatic showdown has started. Eros is making the cops feel like goats. He has satin on, so that makes him smarter according to Ed Wood. Tor has wifey. Eros is called a fiend. Eros says he’s a soldier of his planet. Tells coppers they came as friends. Eros says governments are idiotic. The Colonel is doing some shabby negotions. And EROS says “YOU ARE STUPID.”

Wait, Eros is making some sense here. Must go back to wine.

EROS STILL MAKING SENSE: Jeez. I have no idea what to say.

SOLARNITE: Okay, Tannos just had the crap beat out of her by Eros. He’s no longer making sense. And what is Solarnite? I ponder, yet not know. I love me some Plan 9.

Clay/Tor HAS MADE A COP TALK ALL DRUNK: No one believes him. Thus the justice of the world doesn’t listen. Alas, always a problem.

EROS: He needs a Zoloft, man. But cops want to arrest him. Yeah, like that’s gonna work. HE’S AN ALIEN. He’s got mad skillz.

TOR: Man, his guys are freaking out against him. “I can out run him.” Yup, he’s down, Jeff’s wife went down with him and Eros proves himself arrogant but says “This only happened because the electrode ray is out.” Well, that always sucks.

FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT: Americans are winning. This, of course, happens.

YOU REALIZE WE COULD START A DRINKING GAME AT THIS POINT!

Damn aliens in their burning UFO’s. ALAS, the moral of the story is that no one can talk to other folks.

“CAN YOU PROVE THIS DIDN’T HAPPEN?”

It’s over. Have a beer on me. Hope you had fun. And …

Any movie with Vampira and Tor Johnson has got to be smoking.

And I bid you, good night.

“Where’s my wine and you damn kids get off my lawn.”

I love me some strings on a spaceship. Forbidden Planet is coming on. NOW, that my friends, is amazing.