Newscoma

If you were a fan of the Twilight movie, this isn’t a post you want to read. So, as always, I’m giving you an option to go and read this review of the world of Bella Swan and Edward Cullen. It’s more indulgent than I’m going to be. (And yes, I read the book.)

I want you to know, I see Twilight as one of the greatest unintentional comedies of all times. I can’t wait to see the next one, because if I had seen this in a movie theater with a bunch of tween girls, I would have been thrown out or been arrested I laughed so hard.

Now, Twilight does what it intends to do, and that is indulge the teens with a love that could last eternity. Who doesn’t want love to last eternity with hot kids, a little angst over what isn’t supposed to happen yet does in the love realm and smoldering (well, I didn’t think so but I got advice from my 12-year-old niece who said they were smoldering, as I did go and consult an authority on this) looks.

First of all, I like my vampires playful, full of swagger (aka Spike) and with a bit of character development, which Twilight had none. Edward and Bella were a couple of sad sacks if you ask me. Thus the laughter started (Squirrel Queen was hysterical in watching this movie with me) because those “smoldering” looks went on just a heartbeat too long and sometimes Edward looked a little bit cross-eyed when he was thinking really hard.

A list on the laughter scale from Squirrel Queen and Newscoma:

1. When you go to the police station in Forks, apparently it’s a requirement to have your emergency vehicle lights flashing in the parking lot. This happens all the time in Hoots. Wait, not or anywhere else.
2. Worms are an exotic wild life rarely seen in Forks which cause excitement amongst Bella’s friends, who we noticed she never spoke to and very rarely participated with in any fashion who still loved her despite the lack of communication and her surliness.
3. If you make a purchase at the bookstore, don’t expect a bag to carry your goods home in.
4. Edward carries Bella around like a backpack. This is either a sign of true love or goes back to the mating skills of capuchin monkeys.
5. No one in Forks owns clothes in primary colors. We believe that the lack of chemistry amongst everyone has to do with the blue filter that has given the entire cast (except the ever-cheerful biology teacher) Seasonal Affective Disorder. (Smurfs reference here.)
6. Edward’s favorite film influencing his tree climb, which suspiciously looked like the latest Blackberry commercial, was Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.
7. To escape from the only vampire that was sort of fun, you must rub your body and scent on the bark of a tree. We liked that vampire. He had moxey and didn’t buy the tree rubbing for a minute.
8. The vampire’s other favorite movie is Field of Dreams. (If it rains, they will come.)
9. You know you are in love with a person when you have overwhelming nausea and it makes you want to puke because of their scent. We were cheering that Edward, in the first 10 minutes of the movie, would throw-up every time he saw Bella.
10. What does Bella smell like? We are thinking but Squirrel Queen says she does want to go there.
11. Apparently you can get a mini-van up to 80 miles an hour before losing control in a small school parking lot in Forks.
12. Jacob’s dad can give off a wicked case of stink eye. He beat Edward in the Stink-Eye Olympics.
13. What’s up with the Twizzlers?
14. Adrian Monk’s overally hyper and social younger brother teaches biology at Forks. This teacher is fueled by the drink of champions, compost juice.
15. When your daughter breaks up from a possibly abusive boyfriend, Police dude is going to let her drive thousands of miles to an empty house in a rickety ass truck without comment? WTF?
16. The cheerful vampire family, well sort-of-cheerful, accepted cattle into their house, cooked dinner for it and then was told Bella had eaten in such a surly way that I would have broken the salad bowl too. Why did Edward diss his family?
17. The taxes from the sale of hair gel in Forks supplements the town’s entire budget. Of course, this comes mainly from the Cullen clan. It takes a lot of hair gel to be a vampire (note: what we learned about vampires from Twilight.) Squirrel Queen believes it repels the sunlight for those pesky bloodsuckers.
18. Was the good Dr. Cullen the third unknown Corey of the Haim/Feldman fame? Just with died (bad pun intended) blonde hair.
19. Apparently in Forks, foster families allow their children to date and it’s widely accepted.
20. We fully understand why the franchise went out and got themselves a spanking new director for the next movie, as we are waiting with baited breath to see it to continue the comedy stylings of Bella, Edward and Forks.

On another note, SQ and I have decided to move to Forks (or as SQ said, to Spoons, Washington and observe from a distance.)

A six-pack elevates the humor and is necessary to finish watching this movie. This is the best advice we can give.

We also must whole-heartedly endorse everyone to see this movie for the humor. Prove us wrong.