My sister and I are not afraid to tell you that we are menopausal.
There are a ton of women, including one I work with, who constantly tells me she’s never had any hot flashes, night sweats or psychotic tendencies. I tend to disagree with her as I’ve seen her go off about small things that would usually roll off anyone else’s back and if I were her, I’d just say that these fits of nature is the mid-life crisis that we are all going to go through whether we like it or not. If this is her normal behavior, I think a Xanax would be in order.
I believe that having menopause to blame is a fine thing. As I’m too tired and not up for an affair with a stranger and too broke for a little red sports car, I’m just embracing the menopause thing and hoping we get through it unscathed. I must admit, I’ve tried to live recently like I was still 21. Yeah, that’s working for me. (Snark :/)
“Why are you crabby?” A random person might ask me.
“Because I’m menopausal and I will cut you,” I respond before falling into a pile of tears over the cuteness of an aardvark in a sweater or realizing that I have lived over half my life and have little to show for it. I then go lock myself in a closet with a bag of Cheetos, blaring music that was popular in 1983 and hit my head repeatedly against the door for getting into news.
See, it’s a great tool, this menopause thing, as an excuse to be a blubbering mess.
I jest, but it sort of sucks.
Homer turns 41 on May 12th. She asked me a few weeks ago if some of the feelings she was having are the first signs of menopause. (For you younguns out there, go back to being a12-year-old girl and then multiply your confusion over your body changing by three. That’s the way it feels and I’m being very realistic here.)
I told her I thought that probably was what was going on.
“Turning 40 was cool,” I said. “But turning 41 was, you know, being in your forties and for some reason, that was horrible.”
“Yeah,” she responded. “When did this happen?”
I think I said something like I didn’t know and then we got caught up in a whirlwind of puppy drama. Puppy Drama is a staple at Chez Coma since the great puppy-off of Aught Nine. Although all the puppies have good homes and are gone, there is still the one pup that Homer fell in love with still in the house and Mama Pinks, who is probably not even a year old.
So there are basically two puppies in this abode with two menopausal sisters named Pinks and Arthur Guinness. Arthur is a mouthy little guy and constantly tries to stand on Mabel, who doesn’t like it, as she is a regal old lady. Well, regal is pushing it but she’s my youngest dog and she’s 10. Pinks, on the other hand, just runs and slides a lot. This is her favorite game. Run, then slide across the hardwood floors, then she runs again. Pinks is endearing herself to me because she looks like she’s always smiling and she howls like a coyote. I like that. She won’t be smiling in about a month when she visits the vet, but that’s another story for another day.
Squirrel Queen calls Pinks two names: Curtis and Goose. I have no idea why.
What were we talking about?
Oh, yeah, menopause.
Did I mention it blows?
Juliet is from Massachusetts and drove all the way from Amherst to Jackson, Tennessee on the lawn of Union University to adopt Zoey. She’s been watching Zoey on the blog, wanted to adopt a rescue puppy and drove here this weekend to pick her up in front of Union University.
A few things of note: It was pouring buckets when Zoey met Juliet and so we didn’t get to chat very long as water was pouring off all three of us. I, unfortunately, looked very much liked Ernest Borgnine yesterday morning which I’m sure made a great impression (which was a theme from this weekend apparently) and Zoey was very good in the car on the way to Jackson. (The only puppy that wasn’t smitten with the car was Foster but apparently he’s gotten the swing of it, I hear.)
I’ve never met Juliet before.
The adoption took place solely through her reading Newscoma and watching Zoey born and growing up. (I warned her that Zoey is the rowdiest one of the crew, followed by Tucker the magnificent who isn’t afraid to take on the older dogs with glee and joy.)
It’s just incredible to me that a woman living in northwest Tennessee in Hoots and two women from Massachusetts can find each other on a blog and give a puppy in a loving home. The blogosphere is a very small place in a lot of ways.
And I know that Zoey will be very happy with Juliet and Karen.
On another note, I have become very suspicious to the remaining two puppies that are up for adoption because I keep leaving with their brothers and sisters who do not return. They keep biting my feet to let me know that they know I’m apparently nefarious and I suspect that they are plotting at night to control me somewhat in a Gulliver’s Travels kind of fashion.
Marla (formerly known as Helen Thomas) and Tucker meet their respective moms on Thursday. All in all, puppy adoption Aught Nine has been a huge success.
I put an alert up last night on my Facebook account that we have spoken to nearly ten No-Kill Shelters about the puppies, unfortunately, they are all full at this time. And any other shelter is not an option for us, so we decided to introduce you to the puppies up close and personal.
As Norma Desmond said, “Is it time for my close up?”
This is our little boy, Jobe. His nose cracks me up. He is one of the smaller ones in the litter and very laid back.
ADOPTED by a local family!
We call this blue-eyed handsome boy Bandit after Jonny Quest’s dog. As you can see, Race Bannon would approve of him too. He’s sleepy in this picture. Bandit is one of the smaller of the litter and is quite playful. ADOPTED BY SISTA SMIFF!!
We are not always so clever with the names, but this is Dot because she has a dot on the top of her head. She is fluffy and has some of the Australian Shepherd markings on her body. She makes me laugh.
You’ve met Helen Thomas before. She has markings that look like Murray from the Mary Tyler Moore show’s receding hairline. She has a medium-to-fluffy coat and is quite funny.
This is Squirrel Queen’s favorite. We call him Handsome, because he is. His coat is a little bit different than the others as he is gray and black. He’s the curious one of the litter.
This girl is named Tootsie Roll, as named by the girls. She is the one the sandlot kids in the neighborhood like the best. She is a very calm dog and probably the most patient in the litter. TOOTSIE ROLL IS ON HOLD WITH TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE! First one to say I want her wins!
Adopted: Matt Maxey: Assistant Sports Information Director at the University of Tennessee at Martin.
Meet Tucker, who was named by one of the sandlot kids in the neighborhood. Tucker is a boy and one of the smallest dogs in the litter. He romps like a horse though. You have been warned and he was also sleepy during his sitting.
Meet Gulager, the smallest one of the lot but also the one with the sauciest attitude. Gulager is a girl, slick hair with longer legs and has some very cute baby blues.
Vibinc – who visited me this week and actually saw the insanity of what Casa de Coma was going through. You know he’s a good guy when he offered to help clean up pee.
Also, thanks to Trudy and Katrina at UT Martin for some excellent solutions to help find them a home, Killa for designing a killer ad introducing them to folks, Chris Brinkley at WCMT for talking about the puppies on the air and countless others who have just been plum awesome.
Thanks guys! And, if you are looking for one of these babies, send me an email at newscoma at gmail dot com.
UPDATE: Ivy at Animal Shak has sent out a smoke signal for us here in Hoots. We thank her for the kind offer. Bloggers are just amazing.
Which, as a big fan of Hoots, you know I am in total support of.
SQ and I meandered over to our adjoining county, a place we really like and to be honest I could live in very easily, to see what was going on.
We talked about Cherry being on 24 and all the stuff she brought from the set to auction off to help the town. I think I was charmed that she picked up artillery shells that that pesky Jack Bauer left on the ground after taking care of a bunch of bad guys, a cigar box from the 150th show party the cast had (all signed and everything), about 12 scripts (also signed) and a 24 official bicycle.
Jones is coming back April 18th to Paris to sell photos and some other stuff to raise money. They are having an auction of all the groovy stuff she brought back from the 24 set, and if you are a Keifer Sutherland fan, there is a ton of signed stuff.
Cherry Jones is cool. She showed Steph and I a picture of a cat on her cell phone. I, as I was quite smitten with her sister, tried to give them a puppy because that’s how I roll.
This is raw video, not very good and, by golly, Homer and I are in our pajamas but there be puppies. We were talking randomly, so ignore our inane Hoots conversation. Yes, that is Homer growling and saying “I’m going to get you.”
Rowfhael – (in honor of my oldest niece, who helped with this list as you will well see as we move forward and who likes Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.)
Woof Blitzer (I am assuming you get that lame pun.)
Nancy Puplozi (I don’t know either.)
Harper Flea (Yeah, literary reference to the standard “To Kill A Mockingbird”)
Poopy Longstockings (Heh.)
Walt Dispee (Disney Freaks live in my realm and they are fascinated with body functions.)
There was a puppy. I called the puppy Zorro because he had a dashing eyepatch and he reminded me a bit of Antonio Banderas. I knew when this puppy was born late yesterday that he was in trouble. You see, even though I’ve never been around dogs giving birth, you can tell the strong ones from the weaker ones. I think Pinky knew this due to that crazy thing called instinct.
This morning, almost all of us tried to put him near Pinky so he could nurse. He wasn’t having it. Of course, there is a snake ball of puppies eating like zombies hungry for brains but we did try.
Today, I went down and the commune was watching. We knew that Zorro was in bad shape. We once again tried to get him to nurse to no avail.
Squirrel Queen came upstairs while I was working on some stuff for work. She is in tournament season and said she had to go. I needed to go to, but I wasn’t hip on leaving the puppies.
“He’s taking gaspy breaths,” she said. “Trace, I don’t know if he’s going to make it. Honestly, I don’t think he will.”
You have to know Squirrel Queen to know that her heart is big as the state of Montana.
I nodded.
As she left, I went down to the Maternity Ward to see how Zorro and Pinks were doing. Zorro was laboring and only breathing about twice a minute. Pinks had nudged him a bit and moved him, not far, but away from the other puppies where she could still reach him. I nudged him too. He would gasp and then fall silent.
I tried to get him to nurse, but he was barely breathing. Pinky took him from me, just by moving him with her head. She then licked him and laid her head near his. She put her head on top of him.
She then let out a small moan that would have made a grown man cry because what she was doing was helping her dying pup. This all took place over about a three minute period.
When she lifted her head, he wasn’t suffering anymore.
I watched, sitting on the floor outside the bathroom where she and her pups are residing. After a few moments that felt like years, she looked up at me and nudged him toward me. Not once, but twice and I knew what she wanted. And I obliged.
I picked him up. He was gone from this world.
I sat there holding him for a moment.
It was sad, I won’t deny it but when I went back to Pinky, she stood up and licked my hand. I nuzzled her ears and bent down where she nuzzled my neck.
You do what you have to do was the message. It was then that one of the brute puppies came over to me, basically saying to Pinks and I that she was hungry.
I got out of the Maternity Ward and Mabel was waiting.
I think there are some baby dogs coming very soon.
I introduce you once again to Pinky.
She joined Chez Coma on New Year’s Day. Apparently she had a boyfriend at one time before we had the pleasure of meeting her.
As you can tell, Mabel is none to happy with this development and is keeping away from the Pinkster.
So the little dogs, Duff and Mabel, wait outside for when the new arrivals will be entering this world. They would have bought cigars for the occasion, but alas, they cannot drive and they do not have money.
A maternity ward has been set up in a half bathroom at Chez Coma for the mother-to-be and her spawn. We even have signs made by Bear who obviously is going to be a lawyer or a hairdresser later in life as to warn anyone to stay away from the sterile area. (Yeah, right.)
As you can see, Pinks is very tired and ready to get this puppypalooza on the road.
